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lovedrug - paper scars |
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Wow. I actually kind of despise my journal. I just read through a whole bunch of my entries, and hate it. It's interesting, all the private entries represent me far more than friends only entries, let alone public. I hate how vague I am on this thing, and how much of a fucking ditzy imbecile I come across as. I guess it's hard when you know anyone and everyone can (and possibly will) read it, and nothing's going to change that. I don't think I could get used to writing so openly about my personal life on here. I really don't, because it's just that - personal. I'm sorry this journal doesnt reflect me though, especially since I've had it for a few years. I'll make this entry public just for the hell of it.
I'm randomly becoming better friends with Emily (Fabian's girlfriend). She is hilarious and such a sweetheart and so much fun to be around. In fact, I'm really enjoying getting to know everyone at school, they're all just way more open, funnier, smarter and interesting.. I can't get over how much better I'm doing than last year. It helps when I don't have family members dying, when I'm not losing a best friend, when I'm not sick, when I don't have horrible classes and teacher feuds, and when I dont have a constant nagging general anxiety, among a thwack of other things. And most of all, it helps when I don't have a pathological lying abusive boyfriend. God, I was so fucked up last year. I am SO glad it isn't repeating itself and I'm much happier.
Rowing regattas are absolutely brilliant. I had one this weekend. My boats did awful (we're talking boat collisions, seats falling off, etc etc) and I felt like such a letdown and disappointment, especially to Dylan, who I know pours his heart and soul into rowing and it matters so much to him. I would kill to do awesomely in a race and see the look on his face. But other than that, I had so much fun just hanging around with everyone and coming up with endless antics with Connor. We never cease to amuse each other, honestly. That kid makes my life. His boat came second overall and I was just plain ecstatic, with a smile plastered on my face.
I hate endings and refuse to do them properly. Maybe I'm just exhausted and grumpy and need to go to sleep. I'm proud of myself for making a public post that wasn't all fun and games. It's a start I guess, I dont know. I still feel weird.
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crayon_ashes's journal
frustrated
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